An open letter to my nephew.

To my dearest Finn,

It was a year ago this week that I found out about you, Finn. You were the little mustard seed that was going to make me an aunt. I swore up and down you were going to be a girl. I would have bet money…  if I had any! I just thought for sure that your mom would be blessed with many girls in her life! You were her dream come true; little did I know, you would also be mine. While I had always dreamed of becoming an aunt, I was overcome with grief. Not because of you, but because of me. Your uncle and I had been trying to become parents for 3 years already and it wasn’t working. I was so angry with God that your mom got to experience the ultimate blessing of being am mom. You see, all of my life, it is all I ever wanted [to be a mother]. I was jealous, I was full of self-pity. But, please, don’t misunderstand me. It took me about a week to get over my selfishness. I never once was angry with your mom and not a single moment in my head did I not want to know you. The moment I saw the video of you for the first time on an ultrasound, I was hooked and all of the negative feelings disappeared.

Your mom and I didn’t have the most wonderful relationship growing up. Of course we loved each other, but we were very close in age and shared everything! It took 28 years, but we were finally to a point that we wouldn’t get in an argument each time we spoke to each other. But we didn’t speak that often. You changed that. You saved us- as your dad likes to put it. Your mom and I have spoken on the phone or at least sent a message or a funny picture just about every single day since we found out you were going to join our family. I can now, honestly say, that with every fiber of my being, your mom is my best friend (other than your uncle) and quite possibly, the greatest sister on the planet. YOU helped me realize that and I will forever be grateful for your very existence.

You and I have always been buddies. I got to feel you kick from your mom’s tummy, and you were always good for it too! I don’t think you liked it much when I poked at your tush though! Your mom worked so hard to get you here. She tried to be so healthy and follow her diabetes diet, and then when it was time to have you, she was one of the strongest people I have ever met. In that moment in time, I don’t think I had ever been more proud of a woman. Your dad and I were the very first people to see you. I was in disbelief. There was a human on this earth that looked like me and your mom. It was the weirdest feeling, seeing you. The moment I saw you and held your hand, letting you wrap your tiny fingers around mine, I knew there wasn’t anything on this planet I wouldn’t do for you.

After you were born, I got to spend a couple of days with you, and the first night home was difficult. Your mom and dad were so tired, and so were you. You were crying for 2 hours by the time your dad came upstairs and got me to help. Your mom gave you to me, I gave you just a little bit of a bottle and placed you tummy down on my legs. It was the first time you stopped crying that night and finally fell asleep- so did your parents. It was at that moment that I knew you and I would be best buds.

Your uncle Dan was a little afraid of you at first- you were so tiny! But, by the time you were home from the hospital, he was teaching you how to hold a bowling ball and how to play video games. He misses you so much and can’t wait to see you this summer. I get to come see you this weekend. I’ll have to share you with your great Aunt Mary Kay, but it will be worth it. You and I are going to have a blast. I guess your mom can have fun too :-).

As we cross into another April, this month is tricky for me. It was suppose to be this week that I would have been able to call your mom and tell her that I was going to get to be a mommy… you and your cousin were suppose to have the same birthday. But, as I’ve learned, life doesn’t always workout the way we planned. God has the ultimate timing, and only He can tell me when I get to become a mom. Your baby cousin will be here, some day, some how. At this point, I do know that you already have 3 cousins! Blythe, Oce, and Sophia are so lucky to have you as their cousin. Blythe is the sweetest big cousin and you, Oce, and Sophia are all VERY close in age. You guys will have so much fun, and will probably get into a lot of trouble too!

This weekend you turn 4 months old. You are belly laughing, reaching for your feet, babbling, cooing, reacting to sounds, and almost rolling over. I get to celebrate your first 4 months with you.

I have a feeling there will be at least one more volume to this letter. Until then,

See you Friday dude!

All my love,

Auntie Bibby

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Our journey may come to an end before it even begins.

Over the last couple of weeks, our doctor has been attempting what are called “trial transfers”. This is where she places a catheter into the uterus to sort of map out where she’s going to place our embryo. Two of the three times she has been unsuccessful. There are 4 endometriomas pushing my uterus up into a non-ideal position making it just about impossible for her to get in without putting me through intense pain. I would take the pain, and I have, but the more pain I am in, the more my uterus contracts, which cannot happen during the real transfer. We are officially cancelled of this embryo transfer until after another surgery. After another surgery she will try to get in with the endometriomas out of the way. If she cannot get through, then our IVF journey is over. We don’t know what to do with the embryo. My husband is not okay with a gestational carrier and I don’t know if I am okay donating the embryo for embryo adoption. We are both not okay with disposing of the embryo. We just have to take this one day at a time and pray that after the surgery, the doctor has access. I know I need the surgery, as I am in pain. Another round of IVF is not an option for us, so I’m not worried about the endometriomas coming out. I would rather have a life where I do not have pain than go through another round of IVF. If this does not work, our next journey will be through adoption. We are both perfectly happy adopting. We know we can give a parentless-child a wonderful home, a great education, opportunities, and a very special family that will love them no matter what. So stay tuned, and help me pray that this either works, or help me with the strength to grieve this loss and move on toward our ultimate goal.

How does one hold onto hope when you have nothing left?

Surgery went well. It was successful. However, it took her an hour to get through my cervix… I guess there is a false pass. The polyps are out, she did a trial transfer during surgery, but she wanted to do another one just to make sure.

Yesterday I dutifully drank my water and went into the appointment optimistic. Afterall, I had seen and assisted with 10 of these in the last 2 weeks alone. They are not painful, they do not take long. They are to take 5 minutes at the most.

Mine did not go this way. Nothing has gone smoothly. Why on earth would this go smoothly?! After an hour and a half, 2 sonographers, different tools, speculums, and 6 different transfer catheters, she could not get into my uterus. We finally took a break. My transfer is postponed until further notice. I am to stay on lupron injections each night. We are going to try again next week. I hope next week is better.

The next phase

What happens when you’re tired? Just too tired, drained, exhausted to continue? I’m feeling that way right now.

I just got word that I have to have a hysteroscopy on Wednesday because my OB/GYN couldn’t get through my cervix during the last surgery to get the polyps out. And then my RE questioned me saying “I thought we were going to do another retrieval?”  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! We still haven’t paid for the first one! Unless this is pro bono, nothing else is getting done other than the transfer. So, on Wednesday those pesky polyps are coming out.

I’m just tired of fighting for this. I’m tired of trying so hard just to make my body work. I’m tired of the needles, the driving, and of the appointments.  I’ve tried so hard to stay so positive for so long. I don’t want to have to try anymore. But I will continue to keep going. Our transfer is scheduled, the meds will be ordered and here I will be silently crying each time the needle punctures my skin because I just want to be a mother so badly.

New year, new beginnings… I hope.

The last few weeks have been a pain. Literally. I had surgery on 12/13. Didn’t exactly go as planned. My OB/GYN was running 5 hours behind. It’s okay though- he’s amazing and worth the wait. He couldn’t take all of my tubes because of the adhesions/ scar tissue, but he was able to close them off at the uterus and get most of them out. He drained my endometriomas, but wasn’t able to get into the uterus to remove the polyp. He did say that sometimes they do go away though- so that’s what I’m hoping for.

I never got my period, so they started me on provera- which is awful. But, it finally started today, so 1 more period and we can start the FET- that’s the best news ever. I’m ready to get on with the next step. I’m ready for a chance to have a baby.

When we are post transfer, I have decided not to take a pregnancy test until the morning of- just to help prepare myself. If I only get two weeks to be pregnant, I want to make sure that I am not full of sadness seeing negative pregnancy tests. I will take the two weeks and hold them in my heart no matter the outcome. Because, at the very least, I will be pregnant, in every sense of the word, for two entire weeks.

PGS review

  1. We have 1 PGS normal embryo. We know the sex of the embryo. It is exactly what I thought my first child would be. We are keeping the sex a secret until he/she is born because I get no surprises. I was robbed of that. We are also keeping the transfer date between just the two of us and the friend that is giving me injections.

This journey has not been easy. It has definitely been that. A journey. I feel guilt over what my body should be able to do. I feel guilt because of the massive amount of debt my husband and I are now consumed with. I want this to work so badly. I need this to work. I feel in my heart that this is going to work. I’m going to do whatever I can to make it happen. How can I feel so guilty all of the time. I feel physically ill because of it. And then you see the 17 year old bouncing into my office pregnant with her second kid that she didn’t plan, but is apparently the most fertile person on the planet.

And then there were 3

So, the news isn’t as great as I had hoped, but still isn’t bad.

We had 3 make it to a beautiful hatching blastocyst. So, those were biopsied and frozen, while the biopsies get sent to PGS testing.

A surgery on 12/13 will take care of my tubes, some endometriomas, and a pesky polyp.

Then we are set to start the FET at the end/ middle of January!