To my dearest Finn,
It was a year ago this week that I found out about you, Finn. You were the little mustard seed that was going to make me an aunt. I swore up and down you were going to be a girl. I would have bet money… if I had any! I just thought for sure that your mom would be blessed with many girls in her life! You were her dream come true; little did I know, you would also be mine. While I had always dreamed of becoming an aunt, I was overcome with grief. Not because of you, but because of me. Your uncle and I had been trying to become parents for 3 years already and it wasn’t working. I was so angry with God that your mom got to experience the ultimate blessing of being am mom. You see, all of my life, it is all I ever wanted [to be a mother]. I was jealous, I was full of self-pity. But, please, don’t misunderstand me. It took me about a week to get over my selfishness. I never once was angry with your mom and not a single moment in my head did I not want to know you. The moment I saw the video of you for the first time on an ultrasound, I was hooked and all of the negative feelings disappeared.
Your mom and I didn’t have the most wonderful relationship growing up. Of course we loved each other, but we were very close in age and shared everything! It took 28 years, but we were finally to a point that we wouldn’t get in an argument each time we spoke to each other. But we didn’t speak that often. You changed that. You saved us- as your dad likes to put it. Your mom and I have spoken on the phone or at least sent a message or a funny picture just about every single day since we found out you were going to join our family. I can now, honestly say, that with every fiber of my being, your mom is my best friend (other than your uncle) and quite possibly, the greatest sister on the planet. YOU helped me realize that and I will forever be grateful for your very existence.
You and I have always been buddies. I got to feel you kick from your mom’s tummy, and you were always good for it too! I don’t think you liked it much when I poked at your tush though! Your mom worked so hard to get you here. She tried to be so healthy and follow her diabetes diet, and then when it was time to have you, she was one of the strongest people I have ever met. In that moment in time, I don’t think I had ever been more proud of a woman. Your dad and I were the very first people to see you. I was in disbelief. There was a human on this earth that looked like me and your mom. It was the weirdest feeling, seeing you. The moment I saw you and held your hand, letting you wrap your tiny fingers around mine, I knew there wasn’t anything on this planet I wouldn’t do for you.
After you were born, I got to spend a couple of days with you, and the first night home was difficult. Your mom and dad were so tired, and so were you. You were crying for 2 hours by the time your dad came upstairs and got me to help. Your mom gave you to me, I gave you just a little bit of a bottle and placed you tummy down on my legs. It was the first time you stopped crying that night and finally fell asleep- so did your parents. It was at that moment that I knew you and I would be best buds.
Your uncle Dan was a little afraid of you at first- you were so tiny! But, by the time you were home from the hospital, he was teaching you how to hold a bowling ball and how to play video games. He misses you so much and can’t wait to see you this summer. I get to come see you this weekend. I’ll have to share you with your great Aunt Mary Kay, but it will be worth it. You and I are going to have a blast. I guess your mom can have fun too :-).
As we cross into another April, this month is tricky for me. It was suppose to be this week that I would have been able to call your mom and tell her that I was going to get to be a mommy… you and your cousin were suppose to have the same birthday. But, as I’ve learned, life doesn’t always workout the way we planned. God has the ultimate timing, and only He can tell me when I get to become a mom. Your baby cousin will be here, some day, some how. At this point, I do know that you already have 3 cousins! Blythe, Oce, and Sophia are so lucky to have you as their cousin. Blythe is the sweetest big cousin and you, Oce, and Sophia are all VERY close in age. You guys will have so much fun, and will probably get into a lot of trouble too!
This weekend you turn 4 months old. You are belly laughing, reaching for your feet, babbling, cooing, reacting to sounds, and almost rolling over. I get to celebrate your first 4 months with you.
I have a feeling there will be at least one more volume to this letter. Until then,
See you Friday dude!
All my love,