It’s been 1 month. 1 month since I found out that I don’t get to bring home my baby. The pain of the loss is so raw sometimes, but other times, I can nonchalantly mention “when I was pregnant” without it hurting too much. Dan and I often wonder who she would have looked like, if she would have had my musical ability or his athletic ability, if she would have been quiet and sweet or wonderfully obnoxious. We both knew she would have been extremely intelligent. I have no choice but to believe that she has to be in some paradise- that even though we won’t see her in this life, we will see her in another.
The guilt still pings a bit, but it’s not as bad as it was. I don’t think it will ever completely go away. The love and support we have experienced over the last month or so has been absolutely overwhelming. My in-laws gifted us a dinner at our favorite mexican restaurant, a few of his cousins gifted us a couple of nights out at a wonderful italian restaurant, we received flowers, cards, candy, and my amazing co workers picked out a beautiful set of rings from Lisa Leonard designs called the “love and loss” set. I can’t say it reminds me of my girl, but it reminds me of something more. It reminds me to never give up due to feeling lost- that we have more support from our friends and family than we ever thought possible.
We are currently working on healing, although it has not been an easy road. Of course not. Ha! The day of the first injection, my hCG level was about 3900. 4 days later, it had jumped to 7000 (we expected that). A week after the first injection, it had jumped up to 8800 (also expected- as she had the heartbeat) so I got a second set of injections. 4 days after that it dropped to a whole 8700. 3 days after that (a week after the second)- it had only dropped to 7700, so I had to get a 3rd set of injections. I was now a surgery risk as my levels were not dropping. That Saturday after the 3rd set, it finally went down to 4000. A week after the 3rd set of injections we were down to 3000 and this week we are down to 1300. Almost out of surgery risk, but the weekly levels will continue until my level is down to less than 2.
During this month of “beta hell” we were able to go to the Wisconsin game where it snowed for the first time with a couple of friends and we were fortunate enough to see Elton John! My best friend was able to snag us some private press box seats and it was so relaxing to sit in our own area and enjoy the concert.
In the immediate future, we are working on paying off the IVF, enjoying time together, I’ll be finishing school as I graduate in May, and we are planning our big vacation for the end of April/early May.
As for our plans for kids- those are still in the works. If we can somehow afford another IVF, we will do that. If we can’t, we will look into embryo adoption as that is a possibility for us, or we will see how our hearts open up to adoption over the next 6 months to a year.